Wrecked by Communion & a Blue Van...

 I was taking communion this evening, and as I considered some of the things Jesus went through on His way toward the cross (let alone His literal sacrifice), I was just struck with this feeling... How can anyone accept this outrageously undeserved gift?? Like, I understand that's the entire point of grace. It's undeserved merit or favor, and yes, it is absolutely undeserved... but I can't help but think of how I struggle to feel worthy of basic things in life... So how do we truly wrap our heads around God's value system??

Last week, our family got a new (to us) vehicle. We've had it for a little over a week now, and every time I look at it, I just can't help but feel like I don't deserve it. 😢 Like, it's absolutely beautiful. It's a deep blue Honda Odyssey van. Only 3 years old. 55kish miles on it. It had all the bells & whistles I was hoping for & more. It's the most expensive/luxurious vehicle we have ever owned... BUT it actually carries a salvage title... (womp womp) and was therefore incredibly marked down.

It was in a front-end collision and unfortunately suffered some damage. Parts were replaced, but yeah, its value took a massive hit because of that. It also has hail damage across the top and a bit on 1 side. She has taken a few hits, but gosh, she's still so pretty to me. I call her 'Glory' because blue makes me think of the Holy Spirit, and I feel that we will carry the glory of God with us wherever we go as we travel. The nickname is just a sweet reminder of that.

So... are you beginning to see my predicament? How on EARTH can I accept the grace - the GIFT - the SACRIFICE made by my most precious friend Jesus Christ, when I can barely come to terms with the new (to us)/damaged/dented/scratched, but still absolutely beautiful vehicle I see whenever I walk outside my door... when there's no way I could actually deserve her? 

My husband knew I was in love when we saw her. After we checked her history on Carfax, took her for the 150 pnt checkup at a dealership, and took her for a test-drive - everything went great... he knew it was all over I guess (haha). I had told him I was 'hoping' for specific things because this would likely be our last mini van. Our youngest is 9, and by the time we're done with this vehicle, our teens will likely be out of the house, and we just won't have a need for a van anymore (breaks my heart just thinking about it). Now, I'm not talking prosperity gospel here, so don't get it confused. I just had this sense that this van was set aside specifically for us. Like it was a way for God to show me that He knows my heart & cares deeply about what I care about - especially as it comes from a place of love & a desire to keep my family safe (especially when He knows how I've struggled to feel seen or valued in my life).

The price made us pause. It was more than we would normally spend on a vehicle, but with all the features we were looking for, low mileage, and positive safety checks... plus knowing it was vastly marked down for such a beautiful and safe vehicle.... my husband just looked at me and said it'll be a bit of a stretch (sacrifice) for us, but if you really want it - I'll buy it for you. I think I heard angels singing, but I felt SOOOO incredibly guilty at the same time. Like ecstatic and SO thankful that God helped us find something this nice, BUT I would be remiss if  I didn't admit that I have had the most terrible sense of 'imposter syndrome' ever since I drove it off the lot.

I'm seeing that I need to work on accepting my identity in Christ. Trust me, I'm a huge identity girl and I know it's vastly important, but this was an important heart-check for me. EVERY time I see our van... EVERY time I start it up and start driving down the road.... I get this feeling like I absolutely do not deserve this. Any minute now, it's going to disappear. There's just no way I can have something of this quality... (Please hear me: This is NOTHING against my husband - he works very hard and does amazing at his job - He is an excellent provider. This is all just me feeling unworthy of good things in general).

I don't know if you call that a victim mentality or a poverty mindset or what, but man, it HURTS and is super uncomfortable to deal with on the daily... It is my sincere hope & prayer that you are not plagued by this, and I absolutely do not want to pass this down to my kids. Heck no!

So anyways, I felt led to begin taking communion on a daily basis a couple weeks ago. I'm also reading a book called, "The Power of Communion" by Beni Johnson, and it has just been a really precious time. If I hadn't taken communion tonight though - I'm not sure that I would've made this connection,,. Like if I can barely accept a vehicle - a blessing from my incredible husband (by God's grace) - how on EARTH am I going to be able to accept the sacrifice of Jesus? Do you know what I'm saying? What do we DO with that?? Like, logically, do we have ANY idea what He actually went through for us? How much he desperately loved and still loves us? Including little ol' me? I just..... phew.... just, wow... I don't even know what to say. It's heavy man. This is heavy stuff to process through...

John 15:13 says, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life... for his friends." My God.... HOW are we so complacent? HOW is the church so sleepy/asleep in their pews? HOW are we not running down the streets screaming about the goodness and love and grace of OUR GOD?? Forgive us Lord, for we know not what we do. Soften our hearts and set them ablaze for You and Your purposes. Even when we don't feel that we deserve good things, help us to know within the very fiber of our beings that You say we are worthy in Your sight. Thank You for being the God who sees me. In Your precious and most Holy name, Amen.

 

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."  Isaiah 58:8

You're a good, good Father.